What You Need to Know About Individual Counseling At School

So far this year, I have spoken individually with 30 students.  Each student brings a unique perspective into my office and faces unique challenges.  I am fortunate to work in a position in which I have the ability to get to know so many students on an individual basis, as well as the opportunity to stay with them for three years to watch how they grow.

Much of what occurs in the counseling office is unseen by others.  While that provides privacy and piece of mind for many, it also creates space for confusion or misunderstanding about the role of the school counselor in this capacity.  So today, I'd like to shed a little light on the individual counseling that occurs in my room.

Most students seek out their school counselor for conflict with a peer or teacher.  I can provide a safe place to vent, as well as a place to begin the critical thinking process necessary to reach a resolution.  I am here to follow up with the student(s) and or teacher(s) involved and either continue the problem solving process or give congrats to those who made it work.

Other times I may talk to a student about a personal or family concern.  These meetings are usually self-referred by the student.  Occasionally a peer will suggest that someone they know at school might need some extra support and in that case I will follow up and check on the student.  At any point I believe there is a safety concern or that a student would benefit from additional counseling outside of school I will contact the parent.

When students talk with a school counselor they share their hopes, their worries, their unique selves; in essence, they share what makes them vulnerable and human.  A school counselor has the responsibility to honor those things that make each student an individual, affirming and encouraging them through life's daily challenges.  As one might imagine, trust is central to this process and takes time to build.  Trust is established through listening, understanding, empathy and confidentiality.  Students know when they talk with me that what they say is confidential.  The American School Counselor Association ethical codes discuss confidentiality at length  At the heart of the ethical codes are these tenants:

• Inform students of the right to confidentiality and the limits of confidentiality
• Share the importance and limits of confidentiality with the school community through various methods
• Recognize and respect the complicated nature of maintaining confidentiality in schools
• Protect students safety through disclosure to appropriate adults when a situation presents forseeable harm
•  Follow mandated reporting  and FERPA laws
• Balance a student's right to confidentiality with an obligation to parents/guardians in supporting them as the primary influence in their child's life
• Promote autonomy of students, while considering their developmental age and circumstances

In my daily conversations with students, faculty and parents I will protect student confidentiality to the fullest extent possible.  I talk with students about this right to privacy, but we also discuss other adults that could be beneficial to include.  Often students want to share with their parents, advisor, or other key adults in the school, so as to build a strong support network for themselves.  We discuss what is appropriate to share with whom and how to go about doing that.  I try to be transparent with students about who I talk to regarding their situation.  Middle school is a time in which students begin to understand themselves as their own person and learn who they are.  They crave privacy and understanding, even when they feel no one can possibly understand them.  So much is delicate during these three years of life, and school counselors are in a unique position to support students in their personal growth by treating them with dignity, respecting their values/beliefs, and offering a confidential setting to talk through whatever may be on their mind.

Wellness Lessons Have Begun!

One of my favorite parts of my work as a school counselor is to be in the classroom talking with students.  This time allows me to interact with ALL students.  I have found that a successful school counseling program must reach each and every student in the building, working to understand and meet their needs.  At Pembroke Hill I do this in a variety of ways: Advisory lessons, partnering with the English department, visiting World Cultures classes, working with Mr. Bartelli and Mrs. Viene to develop Digital Citizenship lessons and also working through a division of the PE program called Wellness.  For this fall in Wellness I met with Lynn O'Toole, the Wellness Coordinator, to plan lessons I am sharing with the students about social relationships, stress management, conflict resolution, and more.  You can view a working document regarding our Wellness schedule at this link: Wellness Curriculum Outline 2014-2015.

In past years we have used a program called "Step-Up Sisterhood" with our 6th grade girls and our own modified version for the 6th grade boys.  The program has many wonderful benefits and was created by a well-respected youth organization in Kansas City called Synergy Services.  I myself had used "Step-Up" at previous schools and was excited to know Pembroke Hill also supported the program.  At the same time I have been doing more research and professional development concerning how to support boys in middle school with the social pressures they face.  Through that process I learned that Rosalind Wiseman, who wrote Queen Bees and Wannabees, has been engaged in work to change the way we talk about adolescent boys.  Intrigued, I jumped into reading her work, watching her speak at the American School Counselor Association National Conference, and exploring her school resources.  Let me tell you, I have been so very impressed!  As a result, we have decided to add a new resource to our Wellness tool-kit called Owning Up: Empowering Adolescents to Confront Social Cruelty, Bullying and Injustice.

Owning Up is guiding my work with all grade levels this fall.  The curriculum offers ideas specifically for young adolescent girls and boys, as well as ideas to support students as they mature. "Step Up" activities will still be included to support the message we are giving to students: Everyone's personal authenticity is connected to his/her right to be treated with dignity and his/her responsibility to treat others the same.

Students will be taught the SEAL strategy and as I work with students this year to address conflict and the messy, difficult social situations that arise in middle school, I will refer to this strategy to help them solve their own problems.  I want to share the SEAL strategy with you so that, if you so choose, you may use it in your conversations at home.  SEAL stands for:

S - Stop

Breathe, observe, and ask yourself what the situation is about.  Decide when and where you can talk to the person so the person will be most likely to listen to you

E - Explain

Take your bad feelings and put them into words - be specific about what you don’t like and what you want instead.  Think about what you are feeling and what you want first so that you can then tell the other person

A - Affirm and acknowledge

Affirm your right (and the other person’s right) to interact with other people without being ridiculed, dismissed or harmed.  If appropriate, acknowledge your part in contributing to the situation

L - Lock

Lock in the friendship: Decide to resolve the situation and continue being friends

OR

Lock out the friendship: Decide you can’t be friends and want no further contact with the person

OR

Take a vacation: Decide to take a break from the friendship but agree to talk later about reestablishing the friendship

Students do or will (depending on grade level) have access to this strategy in their Wellness Document in their Google Drive. Consider asking your child to show you this document and discuss what they are doing in Wellness with them.

If you'd like to learn more about Owning Up and/or Rosalind Wiseman, her website is a great place to start: http://rosalindwiseman.com/. Parents of boys may be particularly interested in learning about her new, free e-book written by teenage boys (with her assistance) for teenage boys. This book actually has two versions. The original version was titled by the boys who partnered with Wiseman and their sub-title had a word ("douchebags") that is clearly offensive to many, so there is also a version for schools that uses the work "jerks" in the sub-title instead. Both can be found in the Publications drop down menu on the home page under "The Guide: For Guys" or "The Guide: For Schools."